HBO Documentary Proves Online Dating Unsuccessful for 81% of Users

If you’re a documentary junkie like me, you may want to watch a new HBO documentary that the Cupids at the office found riveting. “Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age” gave us even more validation that companies like ours exist specifically because of the issues discussed throughout the film.

The film interviewed the founders and CEOs of several online dating companies, including Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, and also interviewed their users in detail, about their overall experiences using these platforms. 

“A majority of the men are looking to hook up, and a majority of the women are looking for a relationship”, according to Hinge Founder and CEO, Justin McLeod. “Men and women taken as groups do take the purpose of apps differently. You can say that isn’t so different from society at large, but the way these apps are designed does tip the scale and culture to hook ups, and gives those looking only for hook ups the upper hand.” 

One 20-something female user said, “Be up front in the beginning about what you’re looking for. If you’re not clear with what you want, you’re not going to get what you want.” 

There is also a diversity issue prevalent on many apps. “Bree” is a young African American woman from a  small town in the Midwest. She used every dating app made for heterosexual people, but she has found that many of the men she matches with online are overly sexualized, not looking for anything but that night hook up, and that most people are looking for thin, white women. “Here’s how you get treated as a black woman on a dating site,” she says: “‘Hey, I don’t want to mess with you because you’re black, or ‘I’ve never ****ed a black woman before, you’re so exotic”’, as though they’re trying to fill a sexual quota. 

“I feel I can’t be myself or want to let them in to who I really am because I don’t know them or trust them, I don't want my emotions played with or crushed.” 

One of Bree’s friends, another young, African American female, says men are way more harsh than they ever were, too, according to the documentary. “They don’t want any woman who isn’t white or isn’t chubby They expect a perfect 10 even though they themselves aren’t even close to that. Once they see the natural you, they’re not attracted to you anymore. Its like a catalog for them - they can just go through possibilities - they’re not even looking for a real person at that point.” 

One 30-something guy feels like most of the women he’s matched with on Tinder, are just using him as a rebound, or looking for a bigger better deal. 

What’s more, these apps actually feed into sexual compulsive/sexual addiction behavior, says Puja Hall, Founder and Director of New York Center for Sexuality and Sex Addiction Treatment. “This is because of the accessibility of so many partners at any given moment. This is about the high, not the pleasure. Pleasure is about connecting with yourself and involves real connection with yourself and another - these people do not have that ability and the dating apps only exacerbate the disease.” 

Also, these apps include all of the elements of a game - like a slot machine; ringing bells, flashing lights, “rewards” and so forth. So, when you match with someone, this feeds into our psychology of being rewarded or “winning”. It becomes addictive. This is definitely intentional from the developers. Unpredictable yet frequent rewards is the best way to motivate someone to keep going…to continue using.

One 20-something Caucasian user says with casual sex, there is no time to establish chemistry. “You have this sex where they don't know what you like and vice versa. It’s awkward and impersonal. Not fun.” 

One male user put this experience into educated, economic terms: “If you have a surplus of options, the value goes down. This keeps you wanting to consume - swiping and swiping.”

Consider this conflicting statistic: 80% of Tinder users claim they are looking for a serious relationship, but a Hinge stat states that 81% of users have never found a long-term relationship on any swiping app. 

This confirmed what we already know: hiring a local matchmaker is by far, the best use of your time, money, energy and relationship goals.